God Wins…but can I ?

A Mother's Journey

Where are you?


Many days you feel so far away.

Things are different between us.

There’s a misty cloud separating my heart from yours.

I don’t like it.

It’s heavy.

It keeps me from connecting to you.

Maybe it good that this void feeling is uncomfortable.

It’s a blinking warning light – telling me that my soul needs attention.

This distance between us – it’s not your fault.

Some days, I feel like the teenager who goes into her room, puts in her EarPods and shuts the door.

Shutting you and everyone else out.

Angry. Sad. Hurt.

Hiding my agony.

Some days, I crack open the door and peak out.

Looking to see if you are standing there – waiting for me.

Occasionally, I jump up and run out of my private space.

I feel a surge of energy. A fresh wind.

Do these moments of freedom bring you joy?

You wait for me: patient, kind and loving.

You gently place your arms around my sorrow.

You see beauty in every one of my tears.

Your gifts comfort me. Yet, they don’t erase my pain.

On very bad days, the trauma resurfaces its ugly and horrifying head.

And I am alone with all my memories – both good and bad.

When I tell you that “I’ll never heal,” do you judge me? Are you frustrated with me?

How I long for the day that anguish is no longer part of me – a day when I approach you with an unbroken heart.

Until then, I’ll keep calling your name.

Even when you feel far away.

Note: Trauma changes us. It changes our life experience. Trauma changes the way that we interact with others. 

When you read this blog, who do you think I wrote it to? Who would you hand these words to? Maybe your spouse, parent, child, friend, loved one who died? This letter is from me to God. For me, it’s been a long time coming. Losing my daughter to a monstrous cancer was and is traumatic; it is an unspeakable and cruel life experience to carry. Trauma just doesn’t go away. Our stories aren’t always happy and jolly and they need to be told and shared. I encourage you to speak or write down words of truth to the one in your life who needs to hear it most.  

If this writing touched you, please subscribe to my blog and you’ll receive email updates when I post. Thank you.

Blog_JA 20 Where are you?

Photo: Courtesy of Pixabay

Author: Marie E Guthrie

What can I say about myself? My heart beats fast for my family, friends and calling. Professionally, I have a passion for helping people and organizations tell their stories in a compelling way and I have been doing this fun work my whole career. Never once bored in the marketing and communications profession. Presently, I am providing consulting services to corporate and nonprofit organizations. For seven years, I was the Senior Director of Corporate Marketing and Communications at Awana. I am dedicated to learning how to better love my family members and friends. I am married to a very special man, Mark. I have two children. Grant in his college years - a treasure. My beautiful daughter Leah is now in heaven. Her 14 month battle with cancer has taken me down a road that I never thought I'd go, but I would do it all again. This blog is dedicated to my brave and faithful daughter. At a young age, I was drawn to the sacrificial love I learned about as I was taught about Christ. My heart since age eight was transformed from total selfishness to a heart that desired to love God and others. This love has driven who I am - far from perfect, but dedicated to the One who loves me more than any human ever could. I have questions for God about the story of my life; I wrestle with Him about losing Leah, but He and I go deep. Still feel His arms around me. We are taking it day by day.

5 thoughts on “Where are you?

  1. Felt those words, those feelings..spot on.

  2. Absolutely perfectly written..the brokenness I feel with losing my daughter and my brother just brings me to my knees wondering will I ever feel better again…But God does understand and your words made feel as if she gets it and I’m not in this world wondering if it’s ok to feel this way..thank you so much for sharing

  3. Marie – very moving, heart wrenching and, as always, HONEST. As I read your post I connected to it on many levels, and have experienced similar feelings and thoughts, not only in light of those I’ve lost over the past few years, but in response to other unrelated occasions in my life. However, the one aspect I will never be able to fully grasp (since I don’t have children), is the unfathomable sorrow of losing a child. You have every right to exclaim, “I’ll never heal”. How could one judge this? Impossible. Yes, you have intelligently found several ways to manage your sorrow and pain (this blog being one of them), but to fully heal? I’ll never know how a parent begins to wrap their brain around this trauma. Your post has given us a clear glimpse at that process. God bless you Marie. I honor you and celebrate your strength as you continue to work through your anguish, sadness and moments of despair. Know you’re not alone, we are with you, and trust that Leah will always be in your heart. You keep her alive. We mention her name. She is there.

  4. Marie, Thank you for sharing so beautifully out of your sorrow. I cannot imagine the depth of your loss. The Lord is close to the broken hearted. May he be very close to you and your family in the coming year. Sue

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