God Wins…but can I ?

A Mother's Journey


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Where are you?

Many days you feel so far away.

Things are different between us.

There’s a misty cloud separating my heart from yours.

I don’t like it.

It’s heavy.

It keeps me from connecting to you.

Maybe it good that this void feeling is uncomfortable.

It’s a blinking warning light – telling me that my soul needs attention.

This distance between us – it’s not your fault.

Some days, I feel like the teenager who goes into her room, puts in her EarPods and shuts the door.

Shutting you and everyone else out.

Angry. Sad. Hurt.

Hiding my agony.

Some days, I crack open the door and peak out.

Looking to see if you are standing there – waiting for me.

Occasionally, I jump up and run out of my private space.

I feel a surge of energy. A fresh wind.

Do these moments of freedom bring you joy?

You wait for me: patient, kind and loving.

You gently place your arms around my sorrow.

You see beauty in every one of my tears.

Your gifts comfort me. Yet, they don’t erase my pain.

On very bad days, the trauma resurfaces its ugly and horrifying head.

And I am alone with all my memories – both good and bad.

When I tell you that “I’ll never heal,” do you judge me? Are you frustrated with me?

How I long for the day that anguish is no longer part of me – a day when I approach you with an unbroken heart.

Until then, I’ll keep calling your name.

Even when you feel far away.

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Note: Trauma changes us. It changes our life experience. Trauma changes the way that we interact with others. 

When you read this blog, who do you think I wrote it to? Who would you hand these words to? Maybe your spouse, parent, child, friend, loved one who died? This letter is from me to God. For me, it’s been a long time coming. Losing my daughter to a monstrous cancer was and is traumatic; it is an unspeakable and cruel life experience to carry. Trauma just doesn’t go away. Our stories aren’t always happy and jolly and they need to be told and shared. I encourage you to speak or write down words of truth to the one in your life who needs to hear it most.  

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Blog_JA 20 Where are you?

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