God Wins…but can I ?

A Mother's Journey

If I Walk Away . . .

6 Comments

Days that matter: Mother’s Day and Bereaved Mother’s Day. Grateful for the healing work that comes from sharing my heart. This post is so meaningful to me. It was written in 2015 and is still true.

If I Walk Away . . . 

It may happen on expected days –

a birthday,

Mother’s Day,

Thanksgiving,

or

Christmas.

It may happen on unexpected days –

the first day of school,

an ordinary sunny day,

or

a stormy day.

It may happen at the mall

as I walk behind a teenage girl with

long, brown hair

or

when I’m introduced to an adorable,

petite, blue-eyed,

three-year old cherub.

It may happen on a crowded street

as my eyes catch

a woman’s purse adorned with

the Eiffel Tower

or

a mother and daughter

walking arm in arm.

In a split second,

my head feels light.

My stomach aches.

My arms and legs are heavy.

Harsh reality hits in

one, single swoop.

My eyes reflect a distant look

as I smile.

Sometimes people ask.

Other times they don’t.

Leaving me to wonder if

they have any sense of

the depth of the sorrow.

I absorb the moment.

Only sharing it with a precious few.

Just know that if I step away,

I may be walking into a moment of grief

or

running toward a special memory.

Know that if I walk away,

I will eventually return

but

trust me

if I need to walk away.

2001 8 aug fam walk

Author: Marie E Guthrie

What can I say about myself? My heart beats fast for my family, friends and calling. Professionally, I have a passion for helping people and organizations tell their stories in a compelling way and I have been doing this fun work my whole career. Never once bored in the marketing and communications profession. Presently, I am providing consulting services to corporate and nonprofit organizations. For seven years, I was the Senior Director of Corporate Marketing and Communications at Awana. I am dedicated to learning how to better love my family members and friends. I am married to a very special man, Mark. I have two children. Grant in his college years - a treasure. My beautiful daughter Leah is now in heaven. Her 14 month battle with cancer has taken me down a road that I never thought I'd go, but I would do it all again. This blog is dedicated to my brave and faithful daughter. At a young age, I was drawn to the sacrificial love I learned about as I was taught about Christ. My heart since age eight was transformed from total selfishness to a heart that desired to love God and others. This love has driven who I am - far from perfect, but dedicated to the One who loves me more than any human ever could. I have questions for God about the story of my life; I wrestle with Him about losing Leah, but He and I go deep. Still feel His arms around me. We are taking it day by day.

6 thoughts on “If I Walk Away . . .

  1. Thank you for sharing your journey. I love your transparency and so see your beautiful heart broken and missing your beautiful daughter. I understand the ache and deep grief that will always be there. I just lost my mom and it’s been a rollercoaster of deep emotions that are hard to explain, that I’ve never experienced. They do come randomly out of nowhere. Please keep writing and sharing your journey, it is a precious gift to so many.

    • Hi Diane, thanks for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. I’m so sorry about your mom. It is a roller coaster of emotions that are very unpredictable at times. My heart goes out to you lovely day. Especially tomorrow, Mother’s Day.

  2. That was just beautiful Marie. Thank you for sharing. I can see why it’s one of your favorites. It explains so many things so poignantly. Although I know it may be an extremely difficult day for you, I still want to wish you (with all my heart) a remarkable Mother’s Day. May Leah’s spirit and memory shine through you and brighten all those who love and care deeply for you. Grant and Mark know first hand what an outstanding mother, wife and daughter you have been, caring for and nurturing your lovely Leah, and your parents, during their most difficult days. May you find some peace and happiness in your heart this Mother’s Day weekend. I wish you great love and a sorrow-free holiday. Let Leah shine through you.

  3. Thank you Michael for your supportive words. They mean so much. Mother’s Day truly is a complicated day for me, but one that I am very grateful for. Sending you love this weekend as well, as you miss your beautiful mom Rosa. Hugs.

  4. Marie, love your articles it has been 2 1/2 years since we lost our son. He was 22 and just starting his career as an accountant. Some days I think I’m doing ok but I still feel like I have one leg here on earth and the other waiting anxiously to meet him in heaven.

    • I am so sorry Beth for your heartbreaking loss. It is hard to believe our children are no longer with us. I too am anxious to see my daughter. I know she is safe and pain free with God. This in between time is so hard. My heart hurts with you and I pray for peace and comfort for you Beth.

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