God Wins…but can I ?

A Mother's Journey


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The Ache

blog_ache

Dear friends,

Feelings are a gift.

They sure bring color and flavor to life and make every day interesting.

As you have, I’ve also experienced lots of emotions such as:

  • A joy that creates a sensation of being light as a cloud
  • A nervousness that imitates dozens of butterflies in my stomach
  • An anger that burns and churns inside like a smoldering fire
  • A fear that rattles, shakes and freezes me up all at the same time

Each of these feelings come and go. Some daily, weekly, monthly or yearly. The interesting thing about them is that they are unpredictable. Each new morning brings unplanned situations that create a vast array of emotions. I’m sure we can all agree to this reality!

The amazing thing is that each of our life experiences are different. In my life for the last five years, there’s a feeling that underlies them all.

  • Sadness

When the sadness arrived, it was at first like stepping on a hornets nest. Sadness was dramatic, painful and all consuming. My natural instinct was to get off the nest as fast as possible, run from it and then double over.

As time passes, my sadness is similar to an unending muscle or joint ache. It goes deep into my bones – the way we all feel on cold, damp winter days.

Other emotions do supercede the sadness. But when the day is done and all the other emotions settle, the sadness is there.

The reason being is that this specific sadness is born from love.

A love that is brighter, deeper and stronger than any other emotion I’ve experienced.

A mother’s love.

Today marks four years that my little miss Leah is no longer physically present. It’s true that there’s no loss similar to losing a child. I hurt along with all the parents in history who’ve lost children to illness, war, school shootings, brave acts, suicide, murder and many other tragedies.

You may feel a similar sad ache because of Leah’s absence or because of the absence of someone else who you love.

Don’t feel sorry for me. Let’s focus together on the deep love that creates the ache. The beautiful, magnificent love that binds our hearts to someone else’s.

You are kind to walk alongside me as I openly grieve the loss of my daughter.

And you will never hurt or offend me by mentioning my daughter’s name or wanting to talk about her. It gives my love somewhere to go. Her name and face bring joy to my heart.

Today, I am inviting the heartache to the forefront as I remember the moments that we said goodbye. Thank you today for all your words and prayers. They comfort and uplift me.

With a heart of love,

Marie

My beautiful girl. Miss her spirit – her inner and outer beauty and, oh my, miss her beautiful blue eyes.

Leah 2018