You didn’t want me to be sad.
You’d ask over and over,
“Why are you crying?”
I’d say, “I’m not crying.”
And it was true, outwardly, I was not crying.
But you couldn’t be fooled.
You knew I was crying inside as I watched you suffer.
I’d respond with the words, “I’m just tired.”
It was a truthful statement.
And you’d say, “Well, get some rest.”
So like you – sharing common sense ideas.
Yet, you had no idea the utter exhaustion I experienced as
I served you during your illness.
You were such an optimist throughout your months of treatment.
Always positive and hopeful.
Any sense of sadness or pessimism
made you uncomfortable and anxious.
So, I held back my fears and concerns.
And held tears inside for you.
I do remember, a couple of times when you asked if I was crying, I said, “It makes me sad to see you going through this.”
So grateful I acknowledged this reality.
When I told you that I admired you because you were brave and strong,
Learning that it’s okay to be real, through a terminal illness, was a process.
Today, I wonder how you’d respond to my emotions?
How do you think I’m handling losing you – more than two years after your passing?
Would you either be sad, happy, disappointed or proud?
Or, all of the above?
When I feel melancholy sometimes, I think,
“Leah wouldn’t like me being sad.”
I think you’d be pleased when moments of joy
enter my heart.
Moments when I’m laughing with dad and your brother, or enjoying a conversation with a friend, or excited about a garage sale find, or exercising to disco music.
Moments when that little bubble of freedom enters my heart.
I want you to know – I’m really trying.
I’m trying hard to enjoy this new life without you in it.
It’s not easy – especially as time passes.
Your name is spoken much less than it was the first year.
It’s almost as though you never existed.
And this reality absolutely crushes me.
I imagine some people think that they are protecting me by not
It doesn’t protect me.
It adds to the grief because avoidance and not remembering are losses too.
I am learning that response to death is very unique and personal.
However others react, it doesn’t change my reality.
You will always be with me.
And the gift of you – and your love – is imprinted on my heart.
For loving you helps me love other people better.
Yes, my little miss, the truth is that there are days when
I get teary and cry because I miss you.
But, I’m living…trying to see good in the world and find joy again