God Wins…but can I ?

A Mother's Journey


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730 days without you

Blog_Leah 730 Days

Hard to believe.

730 days since I held your hand, rubbed your forehead and

kissed your face.

Longing to hold you one more time.

730 days since I looked into your beautiful blue eyes – the color of a tropical ocean.

Remembering the last time you opened them wide and then closed them for the last time.

730 days since you knew I was in the room – even with your eyes closed.

Cherishing the moment you grabbed my hand and tenderly placed it on your face. Your smile of comfort said more to me than a million words.

730 days seems like an eternity ago – and yet, I can’t believe it is 2 years in some ways.

Thinking that whoever came up with the line “Time heals all wounds,” obviously never lost you.

730 days of waking up either in shock or disbelief.

Becoming all too familiar with the ache in my gut.

730 days of learning to live without my daughter.

Acknowledging a deep relational vacuum that no other person can fill.

730 days of living with either pain and sadness or faith and hope.

Pressing on with a heart stretched to near bursting.

730 days of looking at your pictures.

Knowing you’d have grown to be more beautiful, inside and out, each year.

730 days of accepting that your life and death have touched my life forever.

Learning from you what courage and bravery look like.

730 days of continuing to honor you.

Sharing your story with whomever asks and will listen –

your life will never be forgotten or minimized.

730 days of continuing to be grateful for you little miss.

Thanking God for the 15 years that you were mine – but His for eternity.

730 days of “loving you more than all the snowflakes, stars, blades of grass, pieces of sand, etc.”

Missing our “I love you more than … ” game, but always saying it in my heart.

Seven hundred and thirty days.

With all the love I can hold,

Mom

Note: Every day without Leah is hard, but certain dates signify marker moments. If you are open to it, please join me in doing A Tiny Thing for Leah on February 20 (the day she entered heaven) or near it. Please do a small random act of kindness for someone in Leah’s memory. Thank you so very much friends. (You may wonder, but not ask, “Does time make it any easier?”  No. It. does. not. I am learning to cope and thrive in a different way than others parents. Without God, it would be impossible for me to function some days.)

2012 18 FB leah 14

My girl loving life and being silly as ever!

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Be Kind to Yourself

It’s been a tough day.

Tough week.

Tough month.

Tough year.

Maybe years.

But that’s how life is, right?

Why expect it to be any different?

Working hard.

Being responsible.

Taking care of the people who we love.

Taking care of small things such as

packing lunches, driving to activities, meeting with bosses and teachers,

cleaning the house and repairing the car.

One day may suddenly and unexpectedly become –

Taking care of big things such as

driving either to the doctor, chemo treatments or counseling appointments;

caregiving endlessly and managing daily crises.

All done out of love.

Nonetheless exhausting.

Anxiety provoking.

And heartbreaking.

We put aside our needs.

And rightly so.

Secretly wishing someone would wave

a magic wand and make all our problems go away.

Friends, family, co-workers and the faith community step in.

For moments or for a season.

Desperately needing to refresh our soul,

we need a time out.

A break from worry, fear, grief and pain.

We also need a time in.

A time into God’s arms.

For it is there that we find inner joy

whether through His small gifts such as

dark chocolate, good movies, coffee and wine.

Or in His big gifts such as partnering with Him to alleviate poverty, increase justice,

serve the sick or feed the homeless.

Starting with something small, like buying cut flowers, is a step that says,

“I am worth it.”

“Life is still beautiful.”

and “I’m God’s child.”

Doing something small leads to something big.

Being kind to ourselves helps us be even kinder to others.

Hope we all buy ourselves cut flowers.

 

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